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I have to be honest..I just haven't felt like writing much. Besides our ever busy lives, I find it hard to sit down and just type. Today, however, is a day that I need to. I am having one of those days. A day where you need to clean-but of course don't want to (thought I've got half the house done!), a day where I should go outside-but I want to stay n and just sit, a day where I need to make phone calls-but don't feel like talking much, a day where nothing sounds good to eat, and a day where no doctor office will call back with any results!
I don't want this to be a bad day, and I honestly don't feel it is a bad one. More like a blah one. I know these days are normal, but it is hard feeling like this especially when it is so beautiful outside. I think a trip to the park is definetly necessary. I am having a hard week really...and by week I mean the last 5-6 days. Shaun and I had to see another doctor for some check-ups and it just seems like my molar pregnancy and chemo treatments continue to follow me. I know what you're thinking-duh things follow you. But I really felt like we were quite a bit past that time period. However, it is still affecting my health. The dr said I am immuno-compromised. That is a fancy word to say my body isn't itself--STILL! It is just so difficult to not feel like I have my body back.
To make matters more difficult, I am 6 days late. I have taken pregnancy tests but they say negative. My most recent one was Sunday night-negative. I know God is in control-I really do-but it doesnt make this time any easier. It is a difficult battle. I am forever grateful Jarrett-he is so amazing and means more to me than mere words could describe. And I do not at all think he is not enough. I just want another child. For most women, being 6 days late is exciting. For me, it doesn't mean a lot. My body isn't itself-therefore no one can tell me what is going on. To make matters worse, I can't get a call back from the dr's office to find out anything. They didnt run a pregnancy test, but I would certainly like to clue them into the so-many days late thing.
I am so blessed in my life. I am sure of this..every bit of my family is amazing. I love Shaun's job. I love all my friends, my town, and mostly my Savior. But today honestly, I just hurt. I hurt that I don't have a normal body, that I want a baby so bad and everyone around me is pregnant. I in no way want to take that from them. I am so thrilled for everyone of them. But I want it too! I even talked to a woman the other day who isnt sure that she may be pregnant again..and she just had her 2nd baby who is only 4 months old! We have been trying for 2 years. If anyone should read this, which I am not sure of, I ask for your prayers. For both me and Shaun-it is a hard time. Some days are great, others not so much. I want to say I am sorry for the long blog but it really helped me. Thank you my sweet sweet Jesus-for loving me and blessing me the ways you have through my husband and son and many more blessings to count. But also thank You for the hard times. They cause me to lean harder on You-fill my home with Your presence-I cherish and love You...
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Hi sweet Friend! Thanks for posting and not feeling ashamed of how you are feeling! I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through, but know that you are so very entitled to have blah days and to desperatly want another baby. Wanting another baby has nothing do to with Jarrett. He is perfect in every way for you and to make your family even more complete, but the desires you have for another one is in no way saying that you are not happy with your son. It simply means you don't feel complete yet and are longing for the baby that you believe the Lord is going to give you... a completely normal and healthy feeling... and one that I can not even begin to fathom the pain that comes with that desire.
ReplyDeleteI read several blogs that are used for sort of a therapy for people getting their thoughts out in the open and not bottling up their emotions any longer. I think it is a great way for you not to have to pretend you are doing great when you aren't and not having to tell a million people exactly how you are feeling in person. It is ok when someone asks you, "how are you doing" and your answer to be "ok" even when you are not "ok" that day... not everyone needs an explination. But it is also just as much ok for you to spill you guts however you want, just to make yourself feel better.
OK, really long comment, just wanted you to know that I love you weather you are ok or not and I am praying that the days inbetween the bad ones continues to grow longer and longer. In the mean time, I pray for you every day and for Shaun. We love you guys and hope that your body continues to do the healing it needs.
Hey Whitney! Glad to see a new post even if you didn't feel like writing lately. I have tears in my eyes as I read your post. I am praying for you my friend and wish you were closer so we could visit.
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